My sweet Boxer dog Jaxon had me awake an hour before the alarm this morning.  I guess 4:30 AM is not early enough for him.  I did try going back to bed to relish in that last hour of comfort in my cocoon.  My brain was not going to have it.  Last night, I got my acceptance email into Strongest You Coaching from my coach with a list of expectations for both of us, and my list of next steps!

I was thrilled to have been accepted into the program!  I felt my anxiety start to build as I read over the list of next steps.  None of it was hard.  Keep a three-day food log.  I have logged more food items over the years than could be held in a grocery store.  Fill out a couple of questionnaires.  No problem.  Document weight, body measurements, and optionally, take photos of myself for a starting reference.  Okay.  I am an expert at the numbers. 

All of this is just information.  Stuff I know about me.  Stuff I mull through my head every single day as I analyze my food, critique my numbers, and analyze the image in the mirror.  I am a champion when it comes to collecting the data.  Why the anxiety?

Here is the Cliff notes version of what triggered the panic:  Send all of this information to me within a week, and join the private Facebook group so we can get started.

Wait.  “I have to SHARE all of this coveted information about me?”  Says the voice of insecurity now screaming in my head.

For too many years I have held on to things.  I am a bit of a pack rat.  I do not necessarily always keep things that are useful.  Some things I have kept because they held meaning to me, or were linked to a memory.  Some things I have kept simply because I have had space to hold on to them, and to be completely honest, they are useless and hold no monetary or emotional value at this point of my life.  One of my prized possessions is my collection of old tapes.

Music?  Nope.  Movies?  Nope.  Messages.  Messages I have kept stored in my subconscious.  Messages that I have learned after years and years of repetition.  Messages I have used to convince myself of things.  Messages that I have used to hold me back.  The voice of insecurity started this morning after my sweet Boxer was once again settled into bed.  Insecurity led me to start sifting through the collection of tapes to find the message that would hold me back from THIS.

The tape I found started playing familiar messages that have been successful in holding me back in the past.  “You are too old for this.”  “Don’t show them you eat THAT!”  “It doesn’t count if you hide it”.  “You are going to fail… again”. “People will judge you”.  “Everyone will see your weaknesses”.  “You aren’t good enough."

I took the time to read and reread my coach’s email this morning.  I reached out to Girls Gone Strong because I believe in these women.  I reached out because I believe these women have the ability to support me.  I know that despite my insecurities, GGS accepts all of me.  Here is where I can start making new choices and learn to accept myself.

So, back to the question that was screaming in my head.  Yes.  I have to share the information.   Not only do I have to share it, I have to be willing to be brutally honest about ALL of it.  Why?  Because I have asked for support in becoming the very best “me” I can be.  I reached out and asked for this.  I just told myself a few days ago that I deserve it. 

Want to know the best part?  I am not alone in this!  Not only do I have my coach, I am going to be part of a small group of women who are likely having the same self-doubts that I am.  We are all starting somewhere and will walk the journey together. 

I will get my information back to my coach before the end of the week.  I have already sent my “join” request to become part of the private Facebook page, and meet my companions on this journey.  I am scared, but I am even more excited. 

Note to self:  Start tossing out those old tapes.  You will not need them again.