I missed writing last week.  My head has been a sea of thoughts…flashcards… moving from one thing to the other at the speed of light.  Over the past few weeks, I have had trouble focusing on any one particular thing.  I have not been sleeping well at night.  I realized this weekend I have been struggling with the question:

What is my purpose?

This month, I celebrate my 30th year as a nurse.  Wow.  For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a nurse.  I wanted to help people.  I worked in a great hospital, nursing homes, cared for those with disabilities, and even worked in prison.  It was a fantastic career and I never once looked back and thought, “I wish I would have…”

I am happy with my professional choices.   I am fortunate to have always been employed.  I furthered my education to prepare me for “what if’s”.  I selected a career path that allowed me to grow personally and professionally, and prepared me for an early retirement.  It was a purposeful, well-structured plan.  It has been 18 months since I retired.

In that time, I have taken on the greatest portion of the household chores to assure Hubby also has more free time, given he still works.  I have become a certified personal trainer and nutritional coach.  I have learned more and more about photography.  I started writing a blog.  I have been across the country on an epic road trip.  I have learned about the mechanics of an antique truck.  I spend hours with my dog.   I have had more time to spend with my family and friends, either in person, or in the virtual world.   I read books and I take naps.  The list keep growing and at times, I wonder how I had time to work!

I love my life.  However, I realize over the past few weeks, I started to feel a bit guilty about all of it.  I got derailed.  I started to turn towards old habits of eating for comfort and spinning my wheels feeling less than productive. 

Hubby and I went out with some of our favorite people yesterday for lunch.  As we sat around the table enjoying a nice meal, we chatted about what we had been up to over the past few months since we had been together.  I listened to discussion about job changes and career strategies.  I realized most of “my people” are career-minded, working figuring out how they will work towards their own retirement and what that will look like.  It came to my turn at the table to talk about what I am doing day-to-day.  I started through my litany of what I am doing to fill up my days.  Then, almost apologetically, I said, “I am struggling to find my purpose.”  One of my friends did not miss a beat and said:

“You are a Millennial!”

I was born very early in “GenX”.  Most of my generation are still actively working, raising children, and are looking towards the day when they have the time to do all of the things they WANT to do.   I have no children, other than Jaxon.  I have pushed through my career, even when the work environment was less than positive.  I stuck with my professional tract and grew my retirement and a sense of stability for my future life.

Now, I find myself in an odd situation, not in keeping with my fellow GenXers. As a Millennial might say, I am learning to follow my dream… even when I am not sure what that might be.  I am no longer distracted by two hours on the road to and from a job, and an eight-hour workday.  My weekends are no longer jam-packed with chores left to those days as Monday through Friday did not leave enough hours in the day.  I have periods of time where I can sit quietly.  Lately I have been asking myself more and more… am I serving a purpose?

I have shifted away from my healthy habits during this time.  Sure, I continue to go to the gym and push through my workouts.  I have not turned to junk for snacking, but I have been eating when I am not hungry.  My yoga practice has not been consistent, unless I can count a nap on the couch as a long Savasana! My racing thoughts have distracted me, and it is time to get back on track.

Today is a new month, a new start.  What have I learned through these past few weeks?  I have realized that in a 30-year career of focusing on taking care of others, I did not learn to spend time working on me.  I realized my guilty feelings are unfounded, and could be considered an excuse for poor habits.  Hubby reminded me last night that I worked in healthcare for many years to create this moment in time, and I deserve to enjoy it. 

I have an incredible partner in life in Hubby.  Together we have created an amazing place to live here in the country.  I have Mum to thank for my life, and for a family that continues to make me smile.   I have the capacity to learn and feed my brain new information every day.  I have an amazing circle of friends… Framily.

Today, my intention is to allow myself to BE.  That is my purpose.  I will do it well.

I guess I am a Millennial after all… I am living my dream.