It has been bitter cold the past couple of days in this corner of the globe.  I am feeling fortunate to have a warm home, plenty of food, and find beauty in snowfall. 

My life is good.

Despite feeling fortunate about my life, and embracing Danish hygge this winter, I find myself struggling a bit day-to-day.  January is a difficult month, despite the newness of the year.  I have remained diligent with my healthy habits (more on that later), yet I am feeling a bit “off”.  My mind is more preoccupied and I struggle to stay on task.  I am eating healthy foods, but sometimes I am ignoring my hunger/full signals and am eating just to eat. 

As I write today, I am reflecting on a thought…

How many times have I done this?

I can recall so many times since I was in my early 20’s that I have struggled with weight.  Fortunately, I am someone who enjoys physical activity, so that part of the equation is not usually a burden.  I have fluctuated up and down with the scale, and my clothing sizes, more times than I can remember.  The last 10 years or so I have been more consistent, but the struggle remains. 

I have learned that I am an emotional eater. 

I do not have to be hungry.  I can eat.  I DO eat.  I look for that one magical food that will satisfy some emotion I want to celebrate, or bury.  I have used food to build a safe cushion around my body to protect me when I fall… so I think.

I have used food to build a cushion to protect me from the hurt of poor relationship choices, loss, and perceived failures.  The cushion can get so thick I can use that as an excuse and perpetuate the negative cycle… Just keep eating.

Most of you reading know me, in some regard.  Many of you see me as the optimistic, up-beat person that has taken years to mature and evolve into a positive force.   Yes, I have always had a smile on my face.  No, it has not always been easy.

I have had some significant struggles in my life.  We ALL have them…Even the smiling people. 

My struggles have molded me.  At times, they have broken me.  I have been in “the pit”.  For those of you unfamiliar, “the pit”, for me, is a deep, dark abyss.  Depression.

I have sat in the pit, looking down… feeling the draw to go deeper.  I have sat in the pit, looking up… barely able to perceive the light. 

No matter how small, even if just a flicker, the light was always there.

Eventually, and at times with the help of others, I would make the slow climb out of the pit.  I returned to the land of light with a greater awareness, more understanding, and a few scars.  I became a better version of me.  Eventually, I even grew to like me.

Is the pit still there?

Sure it is.

The pit is always there.

I am respectful of the pit.  There are things that happen in life now, and I find myself at the edge.  Sometimes, I sit and dangle my feet… and I cry.  The tears take the sadness from my heart and allow room for the light to get in and grow.  I remember the joy I have been given in so many ways.  I allow the sorrow to come and go, and I stay in the light.

So what does all of this have to do with “Fit to Flab to Fabulous”?

There are many times in my life I have felt flabby, by my own definition.   Have I mentioned I can be quite self-critical?

There are many times I have put in hard work to feel “fit”.

My struggle has always been to bounce between “flab” and “fit”. 

This time is different. 

This time, I am working on “fabulous”.

It is not about scale or size.  It is about how I FEEL about me.  It is about how I feel in my own skin.  It is about embracing myself and taking care of me… inside and out. 

By working on my first habit, no junk food, I am being respectful of my body, giving it nourishment with good food.  Sure, there are times I will eat too much!  It will be too much good food well worth it… not a bag of chips.  Genetics are not in my favor in many categories in regards to chronic illness.  My food habit changes are an effort to stack the deck in my favor.

By working on my second habit, I am getting the exercise my mind and body need to keep moving.  Some of you may say “sure, you are retired… you can exercise as much as you want!”  I am not doing this excessively.  I am exercising within a reasonable schedule.  I go to the gym three days a week for a workout there.  That is three of my five committed days.  The other two days I can walk, run, ride my bike, cross country ski, whatever I want… for at least 20 minutes.  Usually, I am hitting between 20 and 30 minutes on those days.  Keeping it real is important.

Last week, I did decide to add another habit.

Habit #3 – I will practice yoga at least three times per week.

My dear friend Katie Q introduced me to how good I could feel in even 15 minutes of yoga after a long day while we were on our excellent adventure.   I am picking up that bit of wisdom and putting it to use.  The stretching and moving is a wonderful way to restore balance and reconnect in a busy world. 

That is where I am this week.  Although sharing is not always easy, it is therapeutic.  Life is not always rainbows and unicorns. 

I am grateful that even though “the pit” is part of my world, the light always shines to bring me home.