Winter is an interesting time.  I often feel, like the bear, my soul goes into a sort of hibernation.  I turn in.  Due to the longer stretches of darkness, I spend more time looking closely at myself… and IN myself.

Loss for others triggers the emotions of my own losses.  In my life I have become a master of carefully boxing and labeling my feelings and stowing them away in an organized fashion into my spiritual closet.  I am well aware of the fact that they are there.  However, their impact on my day to day is dampened by the boundaries of the boxes.

There are people around me that are experiencing loss in their lives.  I feel their pain.  I also feel able to comfort them…. to be a point of strength and support.  It is during those times that I peek into the boxes.

I am very careful about how I handle each box.  Why?  Good question.  I ask myself the same question.  I am careful because I am fearful of the pain contained inside.  I can feel the emotions begin to boil up from deep inside my body.  I can feel them churn up from my gut, to my chest, making it difficult to swallow.  My breathing changes and my eyes start to fill with tears. 

Then, I slam the lid shut and quickly put the box away. 

Why?

I do not want to appear weak.  I do not want to experience the rawness of the emotion evoked from the content of that box.  I have been there before… and I fight it.

Seems like a good time to find a snack.   A snack would taste good and sweet and wash away the feelings.  If one snack worked that well, then surely another will work twice as hard.

Then it happens.  I feel guilty.  I feel shameful.  I want to hide.  I want to put THAT box in the closet.

This year, I am spending some time cleaning out my closets…the physical AND emotional closets.  I am going through the boxes.  This is not a fast process, nor an easy one for me.  However, it is necessary.  It is part of my journey. 

As I write today, I am full of emotion.  These are not just words.  Each letter is a representation of something deep in my soul.  Each word is a piece of me pouring out of the box onto the page.  Yes, there are tears. 

Why do this?

I do it because I know that some of this is holding me back.  Some of this is where I falter and quickly try to catch myself… often with unhealthy habits.  I do this because I want to embrace ALL of me… and nurture me with goodness.

Today I am opening a box.  I am allowing myself to feel the sadness.  I am allowing myself to “be” with the memories of that box.  Nothing more.  Just be.  I am not judging myself.  I am not trying to save myself from the discomfort. 

Too many times I have eaten my way back to the closet to slam the lids shut.  Not this time.  This time I know the feelings will come… and they will pass.  If I allow them, there is more room in the closet.  In that closet there is joy and laughter from fishing trips and hikes.  In that closet there is the feeling of exhilaration from riding a bike.  In that closet are the special moments shared with people I love.

If I open the boxes, the memories are just allowed to be part of me.  The memories have helped mold me into the woman I am today.  Each tear has helped make me stronger.  It has provided a drink for my soul.  It has washed away sadness and allowed me to see light and joy, even in times of loss.

Winter is an interesting time.  Like the bear I will turn in and hibernate. 

Spring is near.