I have had a hard time focusing over the past couple of months.  It is highly unusual for me.  Generally, I am focused and move through my day with little mental effort.  Not lately.  I get through the early morning knocking tasks off of my list.  Then noontime comes and I hit a wall.  I am tired, feeling like I am moving through molasses.  I struggle to concentrate.  I have not been able to read, as I cannot get through a page without re-reading, which is frustrating.  Sure, I am getting done the things I HAVE to do, but am finding myself unable to do the things I WANT to do. 

What’s up?

I have been going through my own internal checklist.  I am not sad or depressed as far as I can tell.  I do not feel sick.  I have not been sleeping well, which is not entirely unusual, yet I cannot nap during the day when I am feeling this way.  I did go to the doctor this week and he has ordered a series of blood tests to see if there is something amiss.  I know part of it is the aging process, and hormonal shifts that go along with it.  Despite my mid-day drag, I am having great gym workouts and gaining strength.  It is so very strange.

I have not been consistent with my blogging because I just cannot get my head wrapped around writing.  I also know that I am not alone in ANY of this.  I know there are those of you, for a wide variety of reasons that may go through the same struggles.  I think of the people I know that have chronic illnesses or injuries and go through this day after day.  I applaud the fortitude and strength they display by putting on a smile and pushing on.  I know I am only getting a portion of that struggle…the size of a grain of sand.

It is all a part of life. 

As you have heard me say, I love my nieces and nephew.  They are amazing little people, and bring an overwhelming sense of joy to my life.  Given I have not been blessed with my own, my brother and his wife allow me to borrow their three awesome kids.  Over the past two weeks, I had the opportunity to host my middle niece (now seven years old), and my nephew (now five years old).  There were times during those days I was reminded of my childhood.

My middle niece is a daredevil.  She is outgoing and ever-moving.  We spent “Her Day” out and about.  We went to a local animal park where she could see, touch, and feed the animals and then to a state park for a swim in a lake.  We had a great day full of activity and bonding.

In her I saw compassion.  Despite her outgoing, active nature, she stopped to talk to smaller children.  She held doors for others.  She was gentle with the animals, and worked diligently to assure ALL of the goats got a treat from her, starting with the littlest ones.  When we stopped for an ice cream treat, she befriended a stray cat and decided his name was Oliver. 

At the lake, she reminded me of me with my parents.  She hung on me as I would have hung on my father’s arm for support… trying to “touch the bottom” of the lake floor.  We laughed and talked and ran.  At the end of the day, we were both happy and tired.  Likely me more than her!

As for my nephew, his request was to spend “His Day” at our house.  His mother told me he is a bit of a “home body” and is content that way.  Even so, he is full of activity and imagination.  We spent the day playing with Army men, building forts, and holding battles.  His side won each time, of course, despite my greatest strategies. 

We played inside and out.  We had swords for weapons and fought zombies.  We made bombs out of beechnuts and apples.  We found a Yeti along the woods that he determined could provide us with healing powers so we could continue to fight the zombies.  He does not like to stop to eat or drink (big shock, right?).  My imagination had to kick in to make a game of what foods held what magical powers for zombie fighting.  Spiderman chicken noodle soup provided strength.  Different colored fruit snacks were assigned powers such as “invisibility”, “speed of light running”, and his favorite “water breath” (he made up that one). 

Of note, he is a bit obsessive-compulsive.  Toy cars and trucks had to be lined up side-by-side; as did any bombs (apple or beechnut) that we collected and placed in the “safe area” for later use.  We did protect the bombs with the invisibility spell so the zombies could not see them.  Needless to say, I love that about him.  One day, I will teach him about lists!

My kid time is always such a blessing.  At the end of those days, I am absolutely spent.  I am also on top of the world.  Happy.  What a gift to share time with amazing, loving, creative, happy children.  Thanks to my brother and his wife for trusting me with them.  I hope, as we all get older, they will still want to play with me.

Today, I am grateful to have the ability to sit and write.  As the morning is moving on, Jaxon is now coming alive.  He is ready for playtime.   Thankfully, he is patient with me…well, for the MOST part… so I can get this ready for sharing.

I think when we are slowed down we are provided with time to reflect.  Moving full-tilt rarely provides that opportunity.  Despite my garbled thoughts, I am working to sort through it and see what lessons I am meant to learn right now.  

My kid time reminded me that despite my aging body am still a big kid at heart.  I can run and play and swim… It is handy I can “touch bottom” at the lake…and I am told I am an excellent zombie killer.  Just sayin’.